(New x3, considering the original cartoon, the live action show and the 2003 animated series)

Just recently the first two episodes of the new new  new TMNT cartoon came out. Right off the bat the theme is fucking stupid – it’s essentially a techno, thugged-out version of the original. Kept the chorus but changed the rest of the lyrics to really lame rap. Good news, though! The creators are embracing Don’s sexual attraction to machines and in spirit of “Donatello does machines” he now “has a way with machines” and if you don’t think that that’s just awesome on their part you should probably not be reading this article. Seriously, go away.

The most notable difference from the previous cartoons is that it is now CG – with a rather interesting style. Thankfully they did not go with a style similar to the movie where the turtles looked like anorexic lizards wearing trophy-shells of the turtles they killed. There are many Traditional Japanese and futuristic influences in the style. The juxtaposition between the old ways of the turtles, the space age technology of Crangs is rather odd, but I assume that as the show goes on the turtles will adopt more of the sci-fi stuff. Yeah, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

The cartoon seems to have younger kids as the target audience, compared to the 2003 installment which was as badass as the turtles can get without spilling blood and the ageless masterpiece that was the original series. Surprisingly combat is a lot better and more ninja-y than before. As their main enemies are the Crang who travel in robotic humanoid exoskeletons Leo and Raph can actually use their weapons to hit them – it is rather mind-blowing, I know. There’s a lot more whackyness going on here than there was in the 2003 series and the gang is back to having pupils, making them look infinitely friendlier. But that’s not it… Now they have IRISES, too! The next cartoon should make them wear clothes. Sure, why the fuck not. Maybe abandon the whole  “TURTLES” thing! Nah, in all honesty they look kinda cool. On top of all that Mikey has freckles and Don has a gap in his teeth – so now all you genetically unfortunate kids can feel better about your tragic nature by comparing yourselves to sewer-dwelling turtles.

Plot-wise this show seems like it will revolve around an alien race of Grang, (or Utroms, as they were called in the 2003 cartoon) who I believe are aliens rather than BEINGS FROM DIMENSION X, like the original Grang was. It goes without saying that Shredder will be another nemesis of the green four, but there is something questionable: is he going to be human or a Crang? I believe that he is in fact human. To support that I will draw a few parallels with the older cartoons. In the original series Hamato Yoshi and Oroku Saki were both human when their feud started. In the 2003 series Splinter started off as a rat and Shreder was an Utrom. If this show will follow one of the storylines word for word it seems that it will be the former one. And may I add that Shredder never looked this goddamn badass before.

One of the most important points I’d like to bring up is that APRIL ISN’T HOT! There is NO excuse for this. Even if it is aimed at kids she could still be hot – the kids wouldn’t get it and the older audience would appreciate it! Maybe it even help some kids get over cooties and thus abolish sexism at an earlier age! There is literally no good reason for her to not be hot! Story? She’s 15? No! The creators probably just want to keep sexism around. Furthermore making her unhot is nothing short of blasphemy – she has always been an idol of hotness, no matter the medium, no matter the decade, she was someone all guys could find attractive and all girls could look up to because she was nether an ugo or a slut. Well, guess what – now she’s just a ginger, semi-cute teen with freckles. One does not go against decades of great tradition for no good reason, dammit. So please, tell me, show me WHY!


And guess what else! Don still fell in love with her!


Even harder than ever before. It’s kinda cute… but mostly just sad. No matter how many “love vs. adversity” stories we’ve been fed over the years it is beyond obvious that she’ll just keep saying what a great friend he is and how she never wants to lose him as a friend, yada-yada. He’ll just keep quiet about his feelings and do some machines or some shit. Let’s face it Don, you’re a nerdy fucking turtle and this cute redhead will never love you. How would you even kiss, anyway? Have you seen your dumb mouth? This relationship isn’t cute, it’s downright tragic.

There was also no Casey Jones yet…


All in all it’s a rad cartoon, nonetheless, and I’ll keep watching it. I don’t mind that it’s aimed at a younger audience because that means that new generation will grow up loving the pizza-munchers like many before them have. This is a new step for TMNT and I have high hope that it’ll be a good one. CAWABUNGA!


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